plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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