afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza