She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
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OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?