The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals