I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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