I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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