If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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