ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
