Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
