i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
