I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
