and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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