I'm jealous of your bromance
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
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Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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