I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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