I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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