Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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