Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
