dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
