her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
