Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
