She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What a dumb baby whore.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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