i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
