Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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