VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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