And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
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my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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