Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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