My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
