A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
