I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
