a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
