my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
