I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there was a trapeze. enough said
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
