you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
