I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
