Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
