im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
