You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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