i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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