So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He shit in the fireplace
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
