dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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