my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she peed on how many people?
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mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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