at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire