I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.