I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.