I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
