So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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