oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You don't make any sense
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