i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
