The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize