I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
