I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
