somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
