The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
