those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family