how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
