i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
