Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
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I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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