no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize