I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
