The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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