Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
