Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
