I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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